Julia’s Story

I have always been a person that thought I wouldn’t have an abortion personally, but I’m not going to tell another woman what to do. I don’t like conflict. I liked fitting in with the crowd, being popular. One day, I was swept off my feet by a very charming, handsome, and vivacious man. I got on birth control and we dated for a few years before he proposed. We had a dream wedding and honeymoon. After we got back, things changed. He became angry, demanding, and demeaning. I always believed in love so I thought that if I just had enough patience and love through the hard time, he would see his own light and come around. We’d go back to the beautiful courtship that we had. Things did not get better, they got worse. My husband was not working, just sitting around the house, smoking pot & drinking, yelling and degrading me while I worked my butt off in multiple jobs. We were in severe debt and then it happened: my husband said that we needed to get pregnant and that once we had a baby, he would get his life together. I explained that it doesn’t work that way, babies only complicate the dynamic, not fix it. He was determined to get me pregnant. He demanded that I get off birth control (which I did because I didn’t feel comfortable taking it behind my husband’s back), he tracked my cycle, and he would refrain from having sex with me unless I was ovulating. It was a nightmare. I always thought that by some grace, he would become the kind, wonderful man who I thought I married, but this didn’t happen. A few months later, I was pregnant. I remember the morning I peed on the stick, the first thing out of my mouth was “Oh shit”. The idea of abortion rushed through my head immediately and felt very evil, yet desirable at the same time. The moment it entered my head, I push it out reminding myself that there is a new life in this dynamic. One that is not my own, but a little child that did nothing wrong. Even though the law says that I have the right to kill him or her, I knew that I had no such right and shouldn’t have that right. At that moment, I devoted myself to caring for and defending that little person inside of me. When we made the announcement to friends and family, everyone was thrilled. Our public appearance seems like we have it all and everyone was overjoyed for this new arrival. I’ve always been a very thin person classified as underweight. I was an adorable pregnant woman with just a tiny little baby bump. People gushed at how cute I was and said I should do pregnancy modeling, but my husband was grossed out about my body and wouldn’t have sex with me. He said I needed to “tighten up” and “do sit-ups”. He was not happy at all how my body was changing for the baby and tried his best to make me feel miserable about it. At around 5 months, my husband was saying that he wanted to test for abnormalities and we should consider abortion if their were any. It was the strangest feeling. I didn’t want to get pregnant in the first place, but now 5 months later, my husband wanted the option to end our child’s life and there was no way in hell I would ever let that happen. I wouldn’t even do the amniocentesis because there is a 1 percent chance of killing the baby just with the procedure. I told him I would never play russian roulette with our child. My husband was outraged and angry. He screamed at me and stayed the night at a hotel. Still, our public image was happy and full of joy, but at home it was excruciatingly painful. Our son was born and it is the greatest joy I have ever known and my son is the greatest gift I have even been given. I look back and feel guilt for that moment that the thought of abortion flashed through my mind. My son is amazing, loving, gentle. On the marriage front, it has gotten better.. My husband is a broken man who is working to recover, but it is an uphill battle. He adores our son though and they laugh and play together. I lost the baby weight immediately and no one ever would think that I had a baby out of my tiny waist. Though things are not perfect, my life is beautiful as I live it to the fullest with my son. We go everywhere together and have so much fun together. Money came in and we are doing quite well financially. Career opportunities came rushing in for me and I am thriving in the work place far beyond where I was before my child. I’m the girl that has it all, little do people know the horrors and challenges I faced while carrying him. I am sharing this story with all of you because sometimes things aren’t always as they seem, and the strength to protect my child, even from myself, was all worth it. I hope that no matter what violent and quick “solutions” to the pain, stress, and worries while one is pregnant goes through a woman’s mind will be recognized as the awful most painful “choice” that could possibly exist. Killing a child is worse than any amount of debt, being yelled at, being told one is fat, being rejected. Nothing is as bad as killing ones child. With the will and the strength, a woman can fight for her child’s life as I have done and it was the best decision I have ever made.

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