When I was 18 I got pregnant with my first daughter, Ella. I hadn’t finished high school yet, and was living with my boyfriend at the time. We didn’t have a very healthy relationship. He would lie a lot, stay out after work and leave me with the baby all the time. I started feeling very resentful and became a little depressed. I was so happy when my daughter got a little older and I wasn’t so tied down anymore. Being a young teenage mom was hard on me because I felt like I was being deprived of normal teenage things. Going out when I wanted, watching movies, having dinner with friends etc. I was looking forward to my daughter growing up and becoming independent so I could go back to school and start working. This is what kept me going, when things got tough. When my daughter was a year and a half, I fell pregnant again. I remember sitting on the toilet in the morning, just came home from a walk with my toddler and picked up a pregnancy test from Shoppers. Boyfriend still sleeping and toddler in the washroom with me, I took the test, and when those two pink lines showed up I fell to my knees, crying, crying like I have never cried before. Absolutely terrified. Anxiety and fear filled me. I had NO IDEA what I was going to do. I did know for sure that I did not want another baby. I had just made it a whole year and a half raising my first, and now I was about to re start all over again. In a terrible relationship, where we were fighting every single day.
A few weeks passed and I started suffering from depression. My boyfriend was working a lot and I was a stay at home mom, alone with my toddler. Suffering from depression and morning sickness, I had no motivation or energy to do anything with my toddler. A walk to the park was something I dreaded, making meals was impossible. I just wanted to curl up on my bed, cry, and sleep forever. At 8 weeks I scheduled my first appointment for an abortion. Scared, I cancelled it. At 13 weeks I scheduled another. The night before my scheduled abortion, my boyfriend cried and begged me to spare the life of his child. Of course at that time I never referred to it as our child, just something I needed to get rid of and make this whole thing go away. Scared again, I canceled my appointment. As my pregnancy progressed, and after seeking couples counselling, I started feeling a little excited about the baby. I was still really scared about how I would manage two children 27 months apart, but most of the fears and depression slipped away and I started enjoying buying baby things, and planning for her arrival. March 28th 2013 we welcomed our 2nd daughter into the world and I am so deeply in love with her. Things get extremely difficult and overwhelming with a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old but I have absolutely no regrets about choosing life for our baby girl. She loves her big sister and her big sister adores her… I get to watch their relationship flourish every single day and its amazing.
I just want other mothers out there to know that I was in a very bad place when I found out I was pregnant again, I never wanted another child, and was dealing with depression from an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. But right now, my 4 month old is sleeping soundly next to me, and in the morning she will greet me with a hundred ear-to-ear smiles, and I couldn’t be happier that she is here. No matter what you are going through, you won’t regret having your baby. That baby will make up for all the sorrow you may be feeling. Just give him/her a chance.